Cloudy, With A Chance of Yaoi
by Rusty Crackpipes
Summary: AU: "Blondie, welcome to the car ride from hell." Roxas only ever wanted to get home. Axel? Axel only ever wanted to get laid. AkuRoku. CRACK.


**I bought silver, metallic leggings at Hot Topic yesterday. I think that's what spawned this, because I had to walk from the mall in the snow last time I went.  
My mind works in terribly strange ways. **

**I also like procrastinating on finishing my history report. **

**Warning of a soaking wet Roxas, a questionably interested Axel, and me owning nothing ensue. You've been warned. **

* * *

**c l o u d y, with a **_**chance**_** of y a o i**

**001: "Irony Works in Stange, Strange Ways."**

**XXX**

"Rain, rain, go away.. Come again another day…"

Listening to Hayner, Roxas would later decide, was something no man should ever attempt to do if they wanted to keep their sanity.

Or their clothes dry.

The short blonde muttered angrily to himself as the rain pummeled his poor, unshielded teenage body, each drop feeling like a jab to the skin. The frigid rain raised goosebumps on his arms and plastered his usual disarray of hair to his face as Roxas tried to squish his way home. _Well shit_, he fumed, _there goes another pair of Vans. _

Shivering, the boy cursed Hayner to the deepest pits of Hades as he tried to shield his most prized possession—a beat up, much loved, skateboard—against the shit storm of rain. Next time Hayner called the blonde, whining about how he was bored and wanted to go to the mall—even though it was cloudy, rain was sure to get them, _and_ they had to walk—Roxas would just hang up on him and throw his cell phone across the room. Maybe stomp on it. And set it on fire too. Just for good measure.

Oh, but it wasn't like Hayner had to suffer, Roxas angrily ranted to himself some more as he plodded past the hundredth block of the day. No, no, of course not. All Hayner had to do was walk the two-and-a-half-fucking-blocks to Olette's house and stay all nice and dry out of the rain. Sure, he invited Roxas to come along, but did the blonde want to have through sit through _another_ awkward make-out session? _Hell-fucking-no. _

Thus, left to his own miserable devices, poor Roxas was left to walk the good fifteen-plus blocks to his house. In the freezing rain. Up a hill. And with a skateboard.

Damn his mother.  
Damn her and her random spa-days where she took the car and left Roxas without a ride.

He decided to include her in his furious, Hades-damning barrage for good measure.

_Squish, squish, squish. _

What kept Roxas from diving off the cusp of insanity was the mere thought of driving needles—very, _very_ slowly—into Hayner's skin once he dried off enough to resemble a human once again, and not a drenched, pissed off cat. Or maybe he could bash in his skull with his skateboard…

Violence was a great was to cope with life.  
Or maybe Roxas played too much God of War.

No matter, Roxas was still too busy squishing his way down the longest block of his _life_ to contemplate on how violent video games affected his methods of revenge. Poor Hayner would just have to deal with that when the time came for it.

The blonde shivered violently as the water cascaded down his slim back, all his clothes having long been soaked by the rain. Roxas checked his watch, desperately hoping someone—_anyone_—would drive by, maybe his mother, or his twin brother Sora, and see him. The digital numbers beamed up at him, totally blind to the blonde's plight; 11:11 PM, they shone cheerily.

Roxas did what any desperate man did; he prayed like the desperate motherfucker he was.

_Oh dear God, if you really do exist, I'm sorry for never stepping foot in a church for the past six years. This is probably your idea of revenge for me being a heretic, but you're supposed to be forgiving, right? So how about I go to church every Sunday, say my prayers, and.. I'll even be nice to Kairi! I will do anything, God. ANYTHING. Just get me the hell—Er. **Heck** out of this rain!_

He paused, hopeful for only a fraction of a second as the rain poured down in sheets, soaking him even more (as if that was even possible, hah!). A nearby streetlight flickered, yet that was all that happened as far as delusional-heavenly-signs go. Roxas sighed, resigning to his doomed fate of a miserable walk in the rain, and possibly being yelled at by his mother for being out to late when he staggered into their apratment. That is, _if_ he made it back.

He was only a _tad_ delusional. Only a tad.  
Really.

However—Irony obviously worked in ways more mysterious than God—Roxas was soon stopped in his tracks by _the_ loudest music ever.

**I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND BABY.**

The blonde froze, turning incredulously to discern where the music was coming from.

**I'M NOT YOUR CUTE LITTLE SEX TOY.**

"What… The.. Fuck?"

**I'M NOT YOUR LION OR YOUR TIGER.**

Shit, couldn't anyone else hear this?!

**WANNA BE YOUR NASTY LITTLE BOY.**

Where _was_ this coming from?!

**I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND BABY. I CAN'T GRANT YOUR EVERY WISH.**

Roxas watched in horror as a Lamborghini, almost as dark as the night, began speeding towards him. The windows were all rolled down, and the music was booming so loud from the speakers that Roxas could feel it in his very bones.

Once again, in the few moments before Roxas was sure the car would hit him and send him to an untimely death, he cursed his mother for his troubles.

Damn her and her need for city-living.

**I'M NOT YOUR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. **

**SO I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS KISS. **

The blonde raised his skateboard in a futile effort to protect himself from impending doom, his last thoughts being, _There goes an entire summer working for this thing.._

However, no impact came. No tragic death. Nothing.

The car skidded to halt in front of him, cutting the music to a dull roar. Roxas lowered his arms, his very second thought being, _I don't get hit by a car, I get kidnapped instead. Thanks, mom. Thanks, Hayner._

Oceanic eyes watched the black car apprehensively as 3OH!3 filled the air with heavy bass, warming the blonde from his veins out. After a moment, the tinted windows lowered and a face was visible. A grinning, slightly tanned, handsome face.

Jade, cat-like eyes shone through the night, inviting and yet with a slightly dark undertone to them. Roxas stepped back slightly, eyeing the mane of flaming red hair that framed the face in a mass of spikes. From the partially unbuttoned shirt he wore, a crystalline rosary glinted up at Roxas.

Then the man winked, gave the blonde a little salute, and said:

"Name's Axel. Get in the car."

And Roxas's third thought was: _Well shit, at least I'm being kidnapped by the world's classiest gay pedophile. I hope the seats are heated. _

* * *

**Yep. ...Yeeeeep.**

**I don't know what else to say. How do you explain a story like this?  
I don't even know. Then again, I never know. Teehee. **

**Uh, yeah. Boring/short first chapter I know. I do have a plot, and it will get longer, however insane that may or may not seem.  
No, I didn't make Axel an actual kidnapping-pedophile.  
You'll see. **

**Also, I'm aware I put my other AkuRoku/Alice in Wonderland-esqe fic on Hiatus. This ficlet here was only posted because I already had it, and I didn't want to wait anymore to post it. However, I can only begin to update this after two weeks or so, because of my school's drama club. After the play is over, I'll be free to write crack as much as my little black heart desires. Muaha. **

**And before I forget:  
I really like reviews. c:**

**Ciao, ciao.  
lessthanthree !**

**..Oh, and the song?  
I'm Not Your Boyfriend, Baby - 3OH!3.  
If Axel wasn't gay before, he sure as hell is now. :3**


End file.
